The butterflies in the stomach… 

I’ve never had a headache that lasted this long – past 3-4 weeks. It feels as though I’m constantly wearing a kid’s helmet on the head. Tight. A pressure headache?? A tension headache?? Migraine?? I googled – and from one website to another, it brought me to a page that described my kind of a headache – it says “it is common (40%)  for lung cancer patients to develop brain metastasis….” At once, my mind was all a blank, and I could feel my body limp. Moreover, Dr Chan did suggest a brain scan to rule out brain Mets.

The butterflies were constantly fluttering inside me. It felt as though I am 18 years old all over again, waiting to collect the A-level results, feeling anxious – cos my future – my life depends on this examination’s outcome.  The scan was for slightly over half an hour. Did all I could to keep still so that the images look clear, dressed up and was instructed to wait for the doc’s call.

Dr Chan usually texts very promptly after he sees my results, but this time he did not text.  Two school of thoughts, 1) there’s nothing urgent, hence he did not text 2) something’s bad and he needed more time to decide how to break the bad news to me. And I refused to pick up the call to check in with him. Haha

I waited until the next day, and while I was anxiously waiting, a very concerned one was kept awake with anxiety too. If you are reading this, I’m sorry to have caused you this stress. Gomene!

Finally, at about 4 pm, Dr Chan texted. It read, “Brain scan clean.” Wooo… right at that instant, all gloom and dull suddenly disappeared from the cloud above my head. What a great relief!

The annoying headaches, at least I can now safely attribute them to the strain of the muscles due to the degeneration of the bones at the neck area.  No cancer in the brain! Phew! I’m thinking, I should be able to make the 14 % who will survive more than 5 years.

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